4 Ways Comparison Kills Confidence

With all the social media platforms that we have today, it can be hard to resist the desire to compare. But when I tell you comparison kills confidence please believe me. Just think about it, you’re scrolling through the social media of your choice and see a picture of someone seemingly happy or successful doing something you want to be doing or succeeding in. Then the thoughts begin to run through your mind of how you aren’t where they are or you wish you had ________________. Though it’s an easy trap to fall into it’s not worth the trouble. I would like to shed some light on 4 ways that comparison kills confidence. The four ways are:

1. Feeling of ungratefulness– When we compare we can easily become ungrateful for the things we do have. That’s the problem with looking at what others have and comparing it to what you have or don’t. Sometimes even if we have it good when we compare, we get the illusion that more is necessary to be grateful. If we aren’t grateful for what we have, how can we expect more. This made me think of a quote I recite often when I find myself complaining and ungrateful. The quote says “Complain and remain or praise and be raised”-Joyce Meyer.

2. Causes self doubt– When comparing ourselves to others it can cause self doubt. Doubting whether we’ll ever be good enough, smart enough or even pretty enough to be, do or have what those we are comparing ourselves to has. I’m here to tell you, yes you are enough! Many times it causes us to doubt the gifts and talents that were placed on the inside of us as well, because they haven’t gotten us where we want to be so far. I wonder how more patience, effort and hard work in cultivating our gifts, businesses or relationships would have a positive impact on this area in our lives.

3. Steals your joy– Comparison definitely can steal your joy. I mean how can you be joyful when you aren’t grateful. In my opinion a grateful heart is a joyful heart and when we sense ourselves losing our joy we should first check our gratitude levels.

4. Feelings of unworthiness– Though we should not be defined by what we do or have. Many times comparison causes feelings of unworthiness and sometimes shame. Feeling unworthy because of not being further along in life or even because of life’s setbacks, such as divorce or job loss. Those can be difficult places to be in, especially when you know people who seemingly have it all together. Comparing in my opinion only magnifies these feelings. I know when I first became a single mom I felt some shame, I think because life wasn’t going as I had planned. Also because I was comparing myself to other moms I knew whose marriages were great, but I realized that all that comparing wasn’t productive. So the task to not compare is still difficult at times but I know it’s worth it not to.

Whether comparison has or is causing you feelings of ungratefulness, self doubt, steals your joy or causes feelings of unworthiness or shame it just isn’t worth it. If we take a good look at how many posts on social media aren’t always showing an accurate view of people’s lives anyway,it would be much easier not to fall into the trap of comparison. We were all brought into this earth with all we’ll ever need on the inside of us. No matter where we are in life now or what setbacks we’ve had, we can dust ourselves off, appreciate what we do have and get back on the journey to succeed. I would suggest writing down your goals and what it is that you want, so that you can begin to focus on what it is that you really want instead of what others have. In my opinion when you are going after what you truly desire for your life and get focused on that, it will be so much less difficult to get out of and stay out of the comparison trap. You have what it takes to live your best life and create what success looks like for you. As always remember you are a Worthy Woman.

 

Worthy of More

I was having a conversation with someone about something and I made a statement at that time I thought was true. Then a little later I started listening to a podcast and it made me realize that the statement I had made wasn’t true at all. I realized that all this time I felt like I was doing something for the benefit of a specific person, when all the while I was doing it out of fear.

After really reflecting I realized that not only do I need to make a change, but I am worthy of so much more. What is it in your life that you continue to put up with out of fear? What is it in your life that you know requires a change because you are worthy of so much more? Though the fear of the unknown can be scary I believe regret and stagnation will far outweigh that. So what are you going to do about it? In my case I know what I’m going to do about it, I’m going to move forward to make the change. What about you? What is it that you need to change? Is it your place of residence, your job, a relationship?  Regardless of what it is you have it in you to make the change.

So what are the steps for change you might ask. Here are the steps for change:

1. Decide – first step to change is to    decide. Decide what it is that you want and stick to your decision. I know sometimes for me I can make a decision to do something an before I know it I’ve talked myself out of it for whatever reason. If you are like me we have to learn to be confident in our decisions. Yes sometimes the decisions we make are difficult ones that may require us to step out of our comfort zone, but that definitely a good thing because as this quote that I came across states “You never change your life until you step out of your comfort zone; change begins at the end of your comfort zone” -Roy T. Bennett

2. Create a plan- This is a key step as well. I mean once you decide you have to come up with the tasks that will be necessary to accomplish whatever you decided. Write down the tasks and break them into small goals that you can work toward daily to reach the overall goal. When creating these be sure to write them down and make sure they are SMART(Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Time Based). I will talk more about this in a future post.

3. Get some accountability– I can not tell you enough about the importance of accountability. I’ve known for a while about accountability, but last year I really made it a priority. That’s the reason I was able to relaunch this blog and not talk myself out of it, by having people to truly hold me accountable. I don’t know what it is but it does something for you when you know someone is expecting you to accomplish something and will make sure you do it. It eliminates that habit of putting it off until “tomorrow”(which usually never comes if no one is holding you accountable). It forces you to get rid of the excuses and produce results. So be sure to get a reliable and trustworthy person to hold you accountable on what you have decided and making sure you reach your goals.

4. Stay laser focus– Focus almost seems like a skill these days with all the technology and social media outlets we have access to. When you make a decision to do something, as I have talked about in a previous post most of the time opposition will come to distract you. You must remain focused on the goal at hand. I remember I had a boss who it seemed like anytime she would make an important business or life decision she would face unbelievable opposition. If work related I would come to her with the different problems that we faced but it seemed that she was nonchalant about it many times. Well it was because she had recognized that opposition came every time she made a decision so she had to decide to be laser focused and work on the task at hand. Every time she did that she achieved her goals in the desired time frame and sometimes sooner. Though I know in life there are times when many things are going on around you that seems important, but you have to decide if you’re going to allow that distraction to get you off  focus or remain laser focused and achieve the goal you desire. Let me warn you sometimes you criticism for being laser focused but don’t worry, that’s just a distraction too. Keep looking straight ahead and you will have reached your goal before you know it.

You and I are worthy of so much more than what we have been settling for. You have it in you to make the decision and follow through on the decision to the end.

Remember you are a Worthy Woman!

Say Yes to Success

“Success is determined by the things we say no to.” -Unknown

What have you been saying no to or should be saying no to? Saying no to distractions and saying no to what doesn’t line up with our goals. Which can sometimes mean saying no to your friends, family and yourself. So you set a goal to write a book and you planned to write daily from 5-6 a.m. and your kids ironically start waking up at the same time.  Do you just accept the fact that you aren’t going to be able to work on your writing when the kids wake up earlier? I say the answer to that is no. You may have to wake up at 4 instead of 5 or go to bed at 10 instead of 9 so you can get your writing done.  Basically making the adjustment to still get that small win each day, which in my opinion is a form of saying no to distractions. As we all know they will come to see if they can get you off your focus.  It’s as if a force comes to see how bad you want that goal. Are you going to allow it to stop you in your tracks or are you going to fight for what you want? Fighting may require gaining more focus, walking up earlier, going to bed later and oh yes, sometimes just simply saying no.

I know saying no can be difficult but think about it like this. When you say yes to something you should be saying no to what will it cost you? Will it cost you the time needed to getting your win for the day? If so is it worth the sacrifice of you not meeting your goal? I mean some things you just won’t be able to avoid and that’s fine but these avoidable situations shouldn’t be daily. If they are, you may need to step back and assess why that is. I remember a friend of mine telling a story about how a friend of hers would always call her on the same day every week needing a ride to pick her daughter up, but she wouldn’t tell her in advance she would call right when she needed to pick up her daughter. For a few weeks my friend would drop what she was working on and go take her friend to pick up her daughter, but when she realized the pattern she stopped. It was hard for her to leave her friend without a ride like that and say no, but her continuing to say yes was causing her to not get the things done that she needed to get done for the day. Basically she was saying yes to her friend’s so called emergency and saying no to the goals she was trying to accomplish for the day. She learned a valuable lesson during those weeks which was “don’t make someone else’s emergency your emergency”

If we are going to ever get to accomplish our goals we are going to have to be unapologetically focused. In doing so there will be times when you not only have to say no to your friends but to yourself as well. Telling yourself no to that chocolate cake if you know you’re trying to lose 20 pounds or no to lunch with the girls if all it will consist of is the latest gossip and talk of the latest T.V.  show.  Think about it if you say yes when you really should be saying no, something will suffer and success may be on the line. The way we become successful is by achieving small goals which will ultimately lead to the big goal. There may even be things that you are asked to do that you’d like to do but shouldn’t do. For example if your goal is to be a fashion photographer and you are mastering your craft in that area. It might not be a good idea to accept an offer that the local newspaper offered you doing landscaping photography. Though it may be good, it may not be good for you. Though it seems good these type of things come as a distraction, as well to again see how bad and how focused are you on reaching your goal.

So the next time you have to decide yes or no to something be sure, if you answer yes that the task lines up with your goal. As the quote I stated at the beginning of this post said ” Success is determined by the things we say no to.”  If a no is in order I know you have it in you to say it with confidence knowing that you just said yes to your goal and ultimately your success. Now go out there and succeed.

Remember You Are A Worthy Woman!

No Permission Needed

You don’t need permission to be great!!

Everything that you will ever need to be great is already on the inside of you. You were born with it, so there is no need to ask for permission to be great. I was either watching a Facebook video or listening to a podcast and the person was talking about greatness and how some people are holding on to their greatness because no one has given them permission. I never really gave much thought to that concept until now. I mean as children we are required to ask permission to do just about everything, and as adults permission is required for certain things as well, but stepping into your greatness should not be one of them. You were born to be great!

God has given you the gifts and talents you need to be great, so go be great. He granted you permission the day you were born. He created you with unique gifts and talents unlike anyone else who will execute greatness as only you could do. So if you have been that person waiting for someone to allow you to or give you permission to be great, the day has come for you to stop waiting and step into your greatness. When I say step into your greatness, I don’t mean go do what so and so is doing I mean do what you were uniquely designed to do. Be the designers original that he created you to be. While you have been waiting for someone to give you permission there are people out here waiting to hear, see or experience your gifts of greatness.

So if you are a writer, go write and be great. If you are a singer go sing and be great. If are an artist, go create and be great. If you are baker, go bake and be great. Whatever gifts talents and abilities that God put within you, use them and go be great. Of course with anything it will take practice, even with gifts and talents. The more you use that gift and practice your craft the more you master it, but if you continue holding on to the gift just knowing that you have it but never cultivating it to make it better you’ll never see the full potential. It’s like receiving a present but never opening it, if you don’t open it you will never know what’s inside and you’ll never be able to enjoy it. So let’s not keep our gifts and greatness on the shelf just for show, let’s get out there and demonstrate the greatness God has put on the inside of us. You don’t need permission to be great!!

Remember, You Are A Worthy Woman!!

It’s Not Too Late!

Scrolling through my Facebook timeline, listening to podcasts and especially at various stores, it’s quite evident that graduation season is here.

A time of new beginnings and bright futures for many. For others this time of the year may be a sad reminder of what wasn’t accomplished in their lives. Though education is important it’s not what gives  meaning and definition to your life. I have encountered many people who think that their education is the end all be all of their lives, and the fact that they don’t have the education that they desired or college wasn’t a good fit for them  they think they are stuck at the bottom.

Well if that is you and you feel that way, I am here to tell you that you are not stuck at the bottom and your future can be as bright as the person who just graduated with their degree. With hard work, perseverance and determination you can succeed too. There have been many people who have gone on to be successful who didn’t finish or go to college. People like Bill Gates who is one of the wealthiest men in the world, John Mackey who is the co-founder and co-owner of Whole Foods, Maya Angelou a Grammy award winning poet and author, Mark Zuckerberg who is the founder of Facebook, and last but definitely not least Oprah Winfrey, so you’re in good company.

Whether you are seeking a better job or are seeking to become a successful entrepreneur, it’s possible. Use the skills you have and if you don’t have the skills you need, learn them. In this day and age there are so many ways to learn the skills you need. You can learn them through books, networking and being mentored by someone who is already successful in the skill, surrounding yourself with hard working like minded people and one of my favorites YouTube videos.

So for those of you who  didn’t finish college and feel like college isn’t for you, get to work learning the skills you need to be successful.  For those of you who didn’t finish college and have a desire to go back but just haven’t yet, take the necessary steps and go get that college education you desire. You can do it, you have it in you to succeed. Hey you may even be one who not only didn’t finish or go to college but you may not have even finished high school. Even if that’s the case, there’s hope for you too, you can take the necessary steps to get your diploma or GED. Regardless of which of these situations you are in, as one of my favorite quotes state “It’s never too late to be what you could have been”. If you want it go for it!!

Remember You Are a Worthy Woman!!

Ever have a ton of things that you need to get done and realistically it’s not possible, but your ambition causes you to try to get it all done anyway?

Well that was me this past weekend. I had a list of things that needed to be done and realistically I knew I couldn’t get them all done. But I was trying to be Ms. 120(those who follow Dr. Eric Thomas can relate)  and it didn’t work out. I mean it seemed like the harder I tried the less I got done. Even though I was doing one thing, my mind was already at the next thing I was supposed to be doing, and that was a disaster.

I heard a saying on a podcast that explained my experience very well. Christy Wright of Ramsey solutions said that us women are often “trying to catch a tidal wave with a tea-cup”. That was a profound statement for me.  It was a great reminder that everything can’t be a priority. As women with so many things on our plate and on our to do lists we have to learn to plan our days realistically. I know you want to get it all done but let’s face it, the more we take on more than we can handle on our plate the more frustrating it can be. I mean you have a full-time job, you’re a mom who taxis your children to their activities and then when you get home you expect to get A, B and C done.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying don’t give everything you do your all, but you can’t do it all and give it your everything . You have to make a realistic decision of the things that you can accomplish in a day. For example if you are at work for 8 hours and you commute for 1 hour to and from work and sleep for 8 hours, that only leaves 6 hours left to do what you need to do. So you can’t squeeze 9 hours worth of activities in 6 hours.  Sometimes you can create certain processes to help you be more efficient in your activities but for the most part figure out how long the tasks takes and give yourself that much time to get it done.

So choose the top priorities for the day(remember you can only do what fits in the amount of time you have available)  Just like you can’t write a check for something if you don’t have the money in your account you can’t use time that you don’t have available. As I said before everything can’t be a priority. Incorporate those priorities into your schedule and make it happen!

You can do this! You Are  A Worthy Women!

Thank You For Being A Great Mom

I know you probably looked at the title and thought, how can you thank me when you don’t even know me. As I sat down to write this week’s post, I thought about all that mother’s do and I thought it was fitting to say thank you. Let’s face it, the job of a mother is not an easy one and sometimes it’s down right difficult, but we take the good with the bad and keep it moving anyhow. Why, because we love our children and know that the sacrifices we make today will someday pay off. They will grow up to be kind, respectful, loving, compassionate and successful young men and women someday. For now they’re still growing and at times they aren’t as appreciative as we’d like them to be.

In case you have children who haven’t told you in a while, thank you, in case your children haven’t yet understood your sacrifice and often forget to say these words, thank you. Thank you for being their cheerleader, nurse, teacher, cook, and banker to name a few. Thank you for the stern talking to you had to recently give your toddler, and for the punishment you had to put your teenager on not so long ago. Though they may not understand now, someday they will and they will thank you too. The discipline, strictness and the way they sometimes call you “meanie” is all worth it. Though sometimes it seems like too much, in the day in age we live in it’s necessary to be strict and to discipline. Even if they don’t see it once they are adults, they are sure to appreciate it when they have children of their own. So don’t be too hard on yourself, keep doing what you’re doing.

When I say thank you I am also speaking to those mother’s who haven’t actually given birth to a child but are constantly nurturing and caring for children as your own. Selflessly giving and caring for children who either don’t have a mother figure in their lives or you are a mother in addition to someones birth mother. How ever you are considered a mother, your love and sacrifice is appreciated by your children more than you know. So thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Enjoy your Mother’s Day and enjoy the children who’s life you make such a difference in. If no one has ever told you, you are a world changer through the children’s lives you’ve touched.

As always Remember You Are a Worthy Woman!!

How To Overcome Negative Words Spoken Over You

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”. As a kid and even numerous times as an adult I have heard this saying spoken. When I was a kid I considered this truth, but as I grew older I came to realize that this statement couldn’t be farther from the truth. Words can have the power to make or break a person and unfortunately the latter rings true for many.

So what do you do when those negative words have been embedded in your mind and sometimes you live as though they’re true? How do you overcome it. I’d like to share a few steps that I believe are helpful in overcoming negative words spoken to you or over you.

1. Change your environment- I can not stress enough the importance of a positive environment. If the person who is speaking negative words over you or to you is in your environment often, it may be time to change environments. It’s difficult to heal when the wound is constantly being reopened. As I talked about in my last post it may be difficult to leave friends and relationships that we’ve had for years, but if they’re speaking negative words to you and over you, the relationship probably isn’t fruitful anyway. If the person speaking negative over you is a parent or a spouse, you may think it’s not possible. Though you may not be able to totally get away from them for a parent you can limit your amount of time and number of days in their presence. For both the spouse and the parent pray for God’s direction in the situation for his leading.

2. Find the truth- In my opinion this is one of the best ways to overcome negative words being spoken over you or to you. Find the truth in God’s word. God’s word is true and “He’s the same yesterday, today and forever”(Heb 13:8). As the scripture says “Even when your mother and father forsake you he will hold you close”(Psalm 27:10). Find two or three scriptures to meditate on to renew your mind regarding the words spoken over you. Instead of meditating on the negative words meditate on words that matter and that speak life to you.

3. Know who you are- When you know who you are it’s hard for someone to tell you who you aren’t. I mean if you know without a shadow of a doubt that your name is Stephanie someone can’t come up to you and tell you your name is Sarah. You’re just not going to believe it no matter how many times they say it or how hard they try to persuade you. The same goes for when someone says things to you that are mean and possibly hateful. Knowing or learning who are is a key to getting past such harsh situations. If you are having difficulty with knowing or finding who you are I will talk about this more in depth in a upcoming post. I know sometimes life can make us as women question our identity but it’s time to learn and know who we are.

4. Say something– When you begin to have thoughts about those hurtful words that were spoken to you or over you, you have to say something. Stop dwelling on what they said and speak the truth. For example if that person told you you’re ugly, you declare to yourself how beautiful you are. If they told you you’ll never amount to anything you declare what a success you are and are going to be. Just as their words had the power to try to break you, your words have the power to change the way you feel and think about yourself.

There is a saying that I absolutely love that applies to this exact topic and it says “What you think of me is none of my business”. This is a good quote to adopt in life, and it will help to save you from the worry and stress of what others say or think of you. It’s only their opinion anyway. As I heard on a call recently we need to stop treating opinions as fact. The fact is you are beautiful, worthy and destined to succeed. So forget the opinion of others and walk in the truth!

Remember You Are a Worthy Woman!

The Courage to Change

Just because that’s the way it’s always been doesn’t mean that’s the way it should always be! It’s such a blessing to be able to choose. But what do you do when you allow comfort and fear to keep you from choosing? I guess it’s not that you aren’t choosing because you are. Choosing not to choose is also a choice. There may be times when it feels like the situation you’re in is your only option, but there’s more than likely always another option you just may not see it at the time or maybe you just don’t want to rock the boat and deal with the possible friction that may come with change.

Sometimes it’s worth it to endure the consequences or the friction of change in order to have better and do better in life. It does take courage to change but it also costs us at times when we don’t have the courage to change.

Often times is comfortable to stay where you are doing what you are used to but it may not always be the best option. I mean for example if you go to a job everyday that you know is sucking the life out of you, but because it’s comfortable and a little flexible you stay. What would happen if you took the leap of faith and applied for jobs that not only brought you to your skill level but also poured life into you. Would it be worth it? Anytime we change it will always be a gamble, but anytime we choose to remain the same we are at risk of stagnation.

So let me ask you what is it in your life that you need to muster up the courage to change? Is it the courage to find a new job, end that relationship that you know is not good for you or even move to a better neighborhood. Whatever it is I’m sure it’s worth the courage to change, and if the change you make is not a desirable one keep looking until you find what you’re looking for. Sometimes we have to make several adjustments before finding the right fit, but it’s usually worth it.

Why not step out on faith today and have the courage to change, this may be the best decision you make in your life. You will never know unless you try. I remember specifically I had to muster up the courage to find a school for my son and the thought of having to make that decision was scary but necessary. It took me a while but I finally did it and boy am I glad I did. I know it’s difficult because you don’t know what the outcome is going to be but let go of the fear and step out on faith, it just may be the best decision of your life. You have it the courage in you to change.

As always remember You Are a Worthy Woman!

Not Why Can’t You, But How Can You

Ever have an idea to do something and your first thought after that great idea is why you can’t carry out that idea? I know I’ve been there, more times than I’d like to admit. But I have learned that when my mind shifts to the negative, I have to steer it back in a positive direction. It’s difficult for dreams to be birthed in negativity, so I propose a solution. The next time you have an idea that you’d like to execute on and that negative thought tries to slow you down. Simply say to yourself “not why can’t I, but how can I.

I truly believe dwelling on how you can instead of the reasons why you can’t can be life changing. Just think of all the things you could accomplish if you executed on how could you instead of why you couldn’t. If instead of why you can’t start a business you created a plan of how you can. If instead of constantly saying why no one would buy your products you come up with a plan for them not only to buy your products but to also help promote your products. It also really helps to associate yourself with people who think outside of the box and look for the possibilities in a situation instead of the impossibilities. That one change alone will have you executing on way more ideas than giving yourself an out as you may have done in the past.

I challenged someone to do this a few days ago to try this strategy out and see how much they accomplish. I am anxious to see out it turns out! So I would like to challenge you as well. For the next 30 days every time you have an idea that you’d like to execute on and that negative thought tries to shut down the idea before it ever gets started. Ask yourself the question, “Not why can’t I, how can I”? But let’s take it a step further, don’t just think about it, I want you to get out a notebook or a piece of paper and write down a few steps you can take to execute on this idea. I am looking forward to seeing a lot of ideas that would have normally been dismissed to being executed on, and not just executed but executed with confidence. Leave a comment below letting me know what ideas you are executing on. Ready, set, go!!

As always Remember You Are A Worthy Woman!!