Author: Darnise Harper

Don’t Shrink Back!!

There is a poem that I like by Marion Williamson called “Our Greatest Fear”, and to me that poem is so powerful. After reading it recently it got me to thinking and reflecting on some things and really trying to understand some of the things that holds people back and affects their confidence. The first thought that came to my mind was shrinking back. You know kinda dumbing down or downplaying yourself?

How many times in life have you had a dream or even simpler you just had a specific hobby that you enjoyed, but because you thought others wouldn’t approve or be uncomfortable with you doing that, you just aired on the side of caution and didn’t do it to save yourself the criticism or naysaying. I know for me I have, and I want the last time I did that to be the last time I did that. I mean no more shrinking back or not doing things to make others feel comfortable. If you really think about it, what do you gain from shrinking back anyway? I don’t see any benefits to it, but I do see some hindrances from it.  When we shrink back we are limiting our potential and in my opinion the potential of others. You never know who will benefit from you and I giving our all and striving to reach our fullest potential.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being who you are, even if others don’t approve. If there are people in your life who you feel that you can’t be who you really are in their presence, it’s probably time to reevaluate those relationships. A true friend loves you for who you are not who they expect you to be. Life is so much more lovable when we aren’t trying to live up to others expectations and definitely not shrinking back to make someone else happy or more comfortable.I’ve found that usually when people are uncomfortable with our dreams, goals and progress it’s because they don’t feel like they can do it or that it may magnify that they aren’t going after their own dreams. But we can’t allow other people’s opinions to keep us from being ourselves even if it means losing them, because you have to make you a priority.

So let me ask you this, are you going to continue to shrink back and live as others expect you to or are you going to be brave and be yourself and live your best life? I hope you chose the latter of the two. When we stop shrinking back and be who we are it’s like peeling off a dead layer of skin and allowing the beautiful new layer of skin to be exposed. When we give ourselves the permission to be ourselves it is so liberating, because being someone you’re not is like being an actor in a play, you’re playing a part but it’s not who you truly are. When we are ourselves I believe we are letting our light shine and as the poem says “And as we let our own light shine, We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” So let’s not continue to shrink back, not only for our sakes but also for those who look up to us because they’re watching. As always remember you are a Worthy Woman!

Celebrate Your Progress

As a woman and single mom I know things aren’t always easy, but the fact of the matter is, is that as difficult as it may be you get so much done. The things that you get done may seem small and insignificant, to you but regardless of how big or small the accomplishment is that you achieve it still deserves to be acknowledged and celebrated.

Celebrating your wins doesn’ t require a 5 course meal dinner party, but as women we have to learn to give ourselves the recognition we deserve. So many times we downplay our achievements, as well as our gifts and talents. Starting a business while working full time and being a single mom isn’t exactly a walk in the park. To be honest starting a business alone isn’t a walk in the park without all of the added things that come with being a single mom and primary breadwinner. Whatever the accomplishment whether it’s that you got your first sale in your business, you potty trained your toddler, you and your teen are learning to communicate better, you are consistently eating healthy or you finally began to see the benefit in self care and made it a priority in your life, It’s worthy of celebration.

So how do you celebrate? First you celebrate by learning to acknowledge the win and not downplay it as if it’s not significant enough. If it’s something you accomplished it’s significant enough, so don’t talk yourself out of it. Another way to celebrate could be to share this win with someone who understands the importance of celebrating wins. Lastly you can celebrate by giving yourself a reward. The reward doesn’t have to be monetary but should be something that’s important and satisfying to you(so be creative). I know for me some of the ways I have rewarded myself for wins are: giving myself a pedicure, buying new nail polish, taking an afternoon to just relax and write or watch a movie or two. There are other times where I have treated myself to lunch or dinner from one of my favorite restaurants, bought myself a book and rarely treated myself to a movie. The monetary rewards are still something I’m working on, because as a mom I sometimes feel guilty for buying things for myself, so this is still a work in progress but I’m getting better.

So today I encourage you to celebrate your wins, big or small. I think celebrating our wins is fuel to keep going, and it also builds your confidence in yourself seeing the things that you have accomplished and overcome. So don’t shrink back, don’t play small, but celebrate those wins like you have something to be proud of because you do! As always remember you are a Worthy Woman!

Uniquely You

How many times in life have you felt like you weren’t good enough or you weren’t perfect so you thought there was something wrong with you?

At my sisters graduation the other day, there was as a young man who has a speech impediment who had to give a speech. He talked about how his parents spent thousands of dollars on his speech therapy to help him overcome the speech impediment. All the while because of his speech impediment, he never really had the confidence to try to fit in or make many friends because he thought there was something wrong with him. He told about how it took him 10 years to finally realize that he was perfectly fine just the way he was speech impediment and all. Because of what he thought was a flaw he missed out on what could have been some of the best years of his life. At the end of his speech he told the crowd “don’t let it take you 10 years to realize that you’re fine just the way you are”. Yes you are fine just the way you are!!

Don’t allow whatever flaw you have or think you have keep you from what could be the best years of your life. A flaw is not necessarily a flaw it’s what makes you unique. So embrace your imperfections and walk in confidence knowing you are uniquely you! As always remember you are a Worthy Woman!

You’re Not The Only One

Have you ever been through a situation or were dealing with something and instead of reaching out to someone for help you try to tackle it alone?

I have done that more times than I care to admit, but I have learned over the years that we’re better together. Growing up, many times I’ve felt a certain way and kept it to myself because I didn’t want anyone to think I was weird or that no one would understand. The story I told myself was that I was the only one. The “I’m the only one” story, is one us women have to learn to silence. Of the many times that I’ve told myself that I was the only one, I almost always found out that I wasn’t the only one. There was someone somewhere who had experienced something similar. Not to say that I was happy that someone else went through certain thing, but let’s be honest it feels good when we find out that someone else knows what we’ve been through or is going through.

I believe that once we get past the “I’m the only one” story we tell ourselves, we can move to a place of healing and growth. This will also allow us to help others who experience similar situations that we’ve gone through, and maybe make it easier on them because there’s someone to assist them through the process. I know for me when I was going through what divorce God sent women who had already been there to help me, and it made all the difference.

I will definitely say that you need to use wisdom when you are going through whatever the situation may be, when seeking help from someone. Don’t just tell any and everybody the details of the situation, but at the same time don’t overthink it and isolate yourself to go at it alone. Seek out a trusted person that may be able to assist you, and if you a person of prayer by all means pray and ask God to send you someone. For me sharing what I’m going through with a trusted friend or community has often times offered a sense of relief. I know sharing your situation doesn’t make it go away, but just getting it out and not carrying the weight of the situation on your shoulders are helpful.

Let’s get out of the mentality that we can handle everything on our own, and let’s begin to seek help in these areas. Make a conscious effort that you WILL NOT isolate yourself when going through because isolation keeps you in the I’m the only one mode or just keeps you in your head about the situation. As one of my favorite quotes go “You can do anything but you can’t do everything”. So let’s silence the story of “I’m the only one and realize that we aren’t and we’re better together.

As always remember you are a Worthy Woman!

No Energy Wasted

When I was a kid my mom was a stickler for turning off unnecessary lights in the house. She said having on so many lights uses up more energy which in turn made the bill unnecessarily higher. Well just like my mom and so many parents around the United States didn’t want us using unnecessary energy, we should continue to follow the rule our parents taught us but in a different way.

Preserving energy is important and as adults we need to do the same but with our own energy, and I don’t mean electricity. I mean your physical energy. We allow people to come into our spaces or call us on the phone with their drama and suck the energy out of us. Which sometimes leave us too drained to do what we need to do for ourselves or our household. Our energy is a valuable commodity and we must treat it as such. I mean your electric company doesn’t allow you to use electricity for free, why do we allow others to use our energy for free?

There are only 24 hours in a day and we need as much energy as we can get to make sure that we get the things done that are a priority. I want you to think about it like a bank account, if you have 24 dollars in the bank you can’t spend 40 or you’ll be overdrawn. Just as if your bank account is overdrawn you have to use tomorrows funds to pay for what you already used in the past, the same is true for your energy. When we allow others to cause us to be overdrawn in energy we don’t have the energy we need to do what is coming in the future, because we have exhausted ourselves to the point that we have to recuperate to get our energy level back to its normal state. So essentially we have used today’s energy yesterday, because we didn’t prioritize properly.

If we want to continue to grow in confidence it’s a must that we learn how to set boundaries and have no energy wasted. As I said before my mom was a stickler for preserving energy and she still is, she unplugs everything in the house that isn’t in use, as she says that current is still being transmitted when it’s plugged in. So just as my mom unplugs any electrical device not in use, it’s a good idea for us to do the same. If gossip, your co-workers or family members latest dilemma isn’t useful to you and I’m sure it isn’t(if something is useful it causes growth or assists you to be better) then you need to unplug from it. When I say unplug that could mean to walk away from the conversation, end the conversation, not answer the phone and maybe even distance yourself from that person. We never want to be in a constant state of being overdrawn in energy, and if you are it’s absolutely necessary to self assess and make the adjustments so that you can get back to normal.

Our energy is way too valuable to use it for what’s not a priority in our lives. For some this may be difficult as it’s what you’re used to, but change and getting uncomfortable is a part of growth. Though it may be difficult when you see the results it will definitely be worth it. Start preserving your energy today, I know you have what it takes. As always, you are a Worthy Woman.

Imagine

If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; If you can dream it, you can become it.

-Unknown

When was the last time that you sat down, closed your eyes and just imagined? Imagined what could be, thought of all the possibilities and took the limits off?

For many people when they were children, they imagined to the fullest but as we grew up, and start to experience life we imagine less and less. For some reason we lose or allow our childlike belief to become buried with the negative side of what if, but let me ask you this. What if you imagine and dream on a positive note and it does work out and you do succeed? What if you aren’t a failure and you are successful beyond your wildest dreams?

I think in life we get so conditioned to focus on the negative what if’s, that the use of imagination and going after our dreams can sometimes seems irresponsible in some people’s eyes. I believe it’s because we think that as adults we have to just do what needs to be done and enjoying what we do somehow seems childish. Though I know as children we think of some of the wildest things and some of those things should probably be dismissed, but a lot of those things that we imagine and dream of as children could cause us to be successful and genuinely happy beyond our wildest dreams.

We need to get back to imagining and having those moments of childlike faith and dreams. This makes me think about when my son was three years old, he wanted to have a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese, and he began to invite people to his party. I told him that he was not having a party so stop inviting people, but in his heart this is what he wanted and he was only three, he didn’t understand or think if mommy can’t or won’t do it then I won’t imagine or dream for it. No, he kept believing and imagining and guess what even though I couldn’t give him the party, that doesn’t mean he didn’t have it. He actually did have the party, someone ended up paying for him to have this party because they saw that his faith and imagination. That was actually one of the biggest parties he has ever had, and to this day we still talk about it, but what if he had given up on the party when I told him no, or when he didn’t see how it could happen? I would never be telling you about this story and we wouldn’t have that memory of him as a child to share.

I challenge you today to take some time and just begin to think about the dreams you had as a child or if you don’t remember any of those dreams begin to imagine in the present. Imagine all of the possibilities and ignore the negative what if’s that many times come up when we dream big. Imagining and dreaming big isn’t only for children, what if Steve Jobs or Walt Disney hadn’t imagined? We may have never known what FaceTime is and so many families would not have the precious memories of vacationing at Disneyland or Disney World. So take some time this week(make it a priority) and just dream and imagine, and when that negative voice tries to appear, you speak up and say but what if this is possible and what if I can succeed? Don’t focus on the negative because as Eric Thomas says “Where your focus goes your energy flows” and if that’s not where you’re trying to go don’t allow your thoughts to go there. As worthy women we were born to dream, born for a purpose and it won’t just come to us because we want it we have to go after it. So let’s do this! Imagine!! As always you are a Worthy Woman!

Am I Good Enough?

Am I good enough?

It’s an age old question and I think it’s time to look at it from a different point of view.

In my opinion the am I good enough question comes from a place of being accepted, but to be honest from an acceptance point of view, no one will ever be good enough. There will always be someone who won’t like or accept you for some reason or another. Not because of something you’ve done, it could be preference or just plain old ignorance but whatever the reason it’s not the end all be all to the answer. I mean (we should never give someone the ability to hold so much weight to determine something so great, even those who are supposed to be for us such as a parent or spouse.

Though I know it’s easier said than done we, must begin to see ourselves in a different light. I’m learning that one main key to doing this is how I speak to myself. Many times it’s not the words or thoughts of others who instills in us that we aren’t good enough, it’s the lies we’ve believed from our inner voice. Don’t get me wrong there are times when the inner voice has picked up on things that were spoken to you over and over again by someone else, but we have to learn silence those voices, whether from someone else or our own inner voice as well.

The point of view that I really want to focus on regarding this is that of our heavenly father. If we look at this question from His view, the answer to the question “Am I Good Enough” is emphatically yes. You see the good book says “We are made in the image and likeness of God”(Gen 1:27a), and because He is good enough we are good enough. We just have to start believing in His word more than we believe in the words of people who may have said we aren’t good enough. As my mother used to say when I was little, “they don’t have a heaven or a hell to put you in”. So trust the one who does and if being made in the image and likeness of God isn’t enough to convince you, the fact that He sent his son to die on the cross for you is the end all be all answer to this question. So the next time you begin to question whether you are good enough instead of making it a question “Am I Good Enough?” make it a statement “I Am Good Enough!!. When you say it, say it like you mean it because it’s true. You really are good enough! As always remember you are a Worthy Woman!

I Gave Up Negotiating

Let me ask you a question, what are you willing to give up to keep your confidence?

I’ve learned that in order to gain, you sometimes have to give up something. Well for me that something was negotiating. I stopped negotiating my happiness, peace and confidence for the happiness, peace and confidence of others. I did that by establishing non negotiables in my life. For me that was a game changer in rebuilding my confidence.

You see I had to know what I wanted for my life in order to know what I didn’t want and wasn’t willing to accept. Knowing what you won’t accept is key to establishing non negotiables. So what is it that you will no longer accept to gain or rebuild your confidence?

For me when I first started the non negotiable process I wasn’t really truthful with myself because I was low key still trying to please everyone else. One day I was fed up with apologizing for my likes and dislikes and I made a decision to be the authentic me. That didn’t mean being rude or making excuses for any traits that needed to be worked on, but it meant to be unapologetic about who I truly am. No longer living life on the terms of others and who I was expected to be, just simply being who I am created to be.

I have learned that in order to get something different you have to do something different, which isn’t always as easy as it sounds. It will take hard work and commitment to maintain the change, but in the end what you gave up will more than likely be well worth what you gain. As long as you are holding on to what is, it’s hard to move forward to what can be. For that reason I am no longer a negotiator when it comes to my non negotiables. My peace, confidence and energy are off limits to negotiations. They are just too important to leave them up for grabs by negotiating for them. So what will you give up to keep your confidence? Share it with us in the comments.

You have it in you to give up what’s necessary to keep and maintain your confidence. As always remember You Are A Worthy Woman!

I Broke The Tradition

On the journey to becoming a more confident woman, sometimes we have to let go of the traditions from our past.

I learned this many years ago when I was married. It’s always been a tradition to have large meals and invite everyone over for the holiday. Well this particular time it was my turn to carry on the tradition. I had to, right, because that’s what everyone has always done, or did I? Well I followed along with the tradition, but it didn’t turn out quite like I had hoped. You see I had never made a turkey before and this was my chance to show everyone what I was made of. Well needless to say, if I remember correctly we had baked chicken wings that thanksgiving because the turkey never got done. I was trying so hard  to keep the tradition of my family that I was a total wreck and didn’t really enjoy the day at all.

Many times in life we proceed with the traditions of who ever it may be and in the process have our confidence zapped because it doesn’t turn out the way we planned and definitely not the way it’s traditionally done, but so what. It’s at a moment like that when I decided to break the tradition for the sake of my peace and confidence and do what was best for me and my household. I started cooking a regular dinner for holidays and if I did invite people over I only cooked what I knew how to cook well, not according to the holiday or family traditions.

Being or becoming a confident woman we have to know what works for us and have the courage to make adjustments to the things that aren’t working in our lives. Confidence that even if momma and grandma did it, doesn’t mean you have to follow along if it doesn’t work well for you. I heard this story about a lady who always cut the ends off of her ham before cooking it, and her husband asked why she did that. She told him she did it because that’s what her mother did. She asked her mom why she cut the ends off the ham and her mom told her because that’s what her mom did. Her mom was curious so she asked her mom why she cut the ends off of the ham. Her mom told her she cut the ends off the ham because her pot was too small.

When I first heard that story it really got me to thinking. Just because our parents and grandparents have done something, really doesn’t mean it’s right for us to do. Especially when we think we’re doing something out of tradition, when really it may not be a tradition at all. So ladies please spare yourself the stress of trying to keep family traditions especially when it costs you peace and lowers your confidence. With Christmas fast approaching I challenge you to evaluate the things that you do in your life out of tradition that really doesn’t work for you and costs you your peace and confidence and create your own traditions. Traditions that work for you. As always remember you are a Worthy Woman.

You’re Stronger Than You Think

I remember when I first became a single mom. I had no idea how I would handle parenting on my own. After the initial shock, I didn’t think about it much I just did it, by taking just one step at a time. That’s not to say some of the things I had to do weren’t difficult, because they were, but they had to be done.

In life we face many difficult challenges that sometimes seems impossible to get through, but let me encourage you. Whatever you may be facing today, you have what it takes to overcome this challenge. Whether the challenge is big or small, you possess the strength to make it through. You see, when challenges come in life sometimes our first reaction is “I can’t do this” or “how am I going to make it through this”?

Being a woman of faith I’ve learned that I don’t have to face challenges alone and neither do you. You see with God on your side there isn’t anything you can’t do. Sure in beginning the challenge may be tough and you may doubt your strength, but let me tell you, you are stronger than you think! As women(at least some of the women I know) we down play ourselves way too much. You see when God created you, He put within you everything you need to get through the challenges you face in life. Whether the challenge is being a single parent, a failing marriage, your finances, health or even rocky family relationships, you can overcome the challenge. There is a quote that reminds me of this, it says, “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”. Think about it like that, being strong is the only choice you have at the moment. Losing and quitting is not an option, besides you are stronger than the struggle anyway. So stand up and stare that challenge in the face and declare “I am strong and I will get through this”!!

I believe in you and as always remember you are a Worthy Woman.